This advisory clarifies confusion over which day is the most offensive to burn a particular holy book. (Disputes over competing sabbaths were decided by a coin flip, using a ceremonial coin with the face of Mohammed designating Heads, and a graphic depiction of the Virgin Mary being inseminated during the Annunciation designating Tails.) For maximum outrage of religious fanatics and other mentally ill persons, please torch an holy book only on its designated Burn Day.
Burn Day Schedule
Friday: anon. ghost writer — The Koran, 3 Volumes (Vol. I: Mohammed and His Flying Horse; Vol. 2: Mohammed Seduces Other Men’s Wives; Vol. 3: How To Decapitate Infidels and Assorted Pork-Eaters)
Saturday: Leviticus, et al., — Tanakh/Torah, Talmud, any Kabbalah, & asst. Midrashim (subtitled: Why The Thunder God Told Us To Commit Genocide And Avoid Shellfish)
Sunday: Eusebius, ed. — New Testament (subtitled: A Compilation Of Preposterous 3rd Century Fables About Some Guy Not Found in The Historical Record). Note: Please properly dispose of rosary beads, crucifixes and assorted statues by depositing them in the Idolatry bin at your local transfer station.
Monday: Smith, J. — Book of Mormon (subtitled: Being An Thrilling Account of Jesus’ Sold Out North American Tour, And The Phoenicians Who Used To Live There And Build Pyramids and Other Cool Stuff, As Revealed On Magic Gold Plates That Up And Disappeared One Day; Also Including Interesting True Vignettes Of The Prophets Who Live Inside My Closet)
Tuesday: Baker Eddy, M. — Science And Health (subtitled: Or, How I Conquered Psycho-Somatic Illness Through Fantasy). Tuesday is also the designated day to burn Battlefield Earth, plus all copies of Watchtower and Awake! that create a fire hazard by accumulating behind your screen door.
Wednesday: anon. — The Atharva-, Rig-, Sama-, & Yajur Veda series. (transl: The More Gods, the Merrier!; The More Arms, The Merrier The Gods!; 101 Useful Spells, Incantations, and Curses; Reincarnation For Dummies). Note: please do not attempt to burn stones that are shaped like phalluses.
Thursday: Thursday is a Day of Rest, to collect kindling.
Important: To reduce smoke nuisance to your neighbors, please burn only one pile of holy books at a time. And never leave piles unattended, or mix books of different, stupid beliefs into one pile. But no need to ever apologize.
(c) 2012 by True Liberal Nexus. All rights reserved.