Poor, Poor Rich Folks

Bonjour,

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Todd, comte du Henderson, and I am trés riches.  But, even though my family earns $400,000, which is eight times more than the average peasant family, (we are at least eight times better than you, of course), we can barely make ends meet.  Nous sommes pauvre!  That’s because the jacobins in the IRS take a criminal 35% of the last $26,350 of our paltry wealth.

I am a law professor, and my wife is a doctor, so you can be assured that we are kind-hearted people with the best interests of you, the peasantry, in mind.  But soon we will be forced to live in some dirty hovel, and eat sewer rats, as you do, because the Socialists in Paris, I mean Washington, are robbing us blind.

Why, for example, must my family finance the government with 1/4 of our earnings?  It’s not like the government does anything for us.  We probably should hire one of those fancy accountants to help us evade taxes, but we can’t afford one.  Marie says we just drank the last d’Yquem and she’s scrounging for loose change in the couch. Those atheist revolutionaries also penalize us for having married and started a family.  How else is overpopulation going to progress if two people are not given tax breaks for having three children?  Talk about perverse!

After paying for a government we don’t use, our next biggest expense, like most white people, is our mortgage.  In the exclusive neighborhood we live in, houses aren’t cheap.  Is it really fair to penalize us for wanting to live far from the rabble?  We pay $15,000 in property taxes. Mon dieu! — that’s nearly what a peasant earns in an entire year!  Half of that goes toward paying for peasant children to attend public schools.  Since we want our own scions to be prepared to one day assume their rightful role among the nobility, we send them to expensive private schools where they can associate with their peers.

Honestly, I have no idea where the remaining $285,000 goes!  We live a practically spartan lifestyle (thankfully, basic cable has FOX), with only a few hundred dollars per month to spare.   We could fire the servants, I suppose, and stop taking the babysitter out to Ruths Chris.  Or maybe cut Fifi’s art classes.  This is scary — we’re this far from losing our house and living in a trailer park with … peasants.  And then what will happen to the entrepreneurs we employ and the “new arrivals” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) they employ in turn?  Surely they prefer working for a noble house like the duHendersons, than having some government protecting their interests!

The bigger question, though, is, by what right does the government collect any taxes at all, then fritter it away recklessly?  My family certainly can make wiser spending decisions.  In fact, I’m not sure why we even have a government.

So, mes amis, s’il vous plait, take pity on us poor rich folks.

(c) 2010 by ‘tamerlane.’  All rights reserved.

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6 Responses to Poor, Poor Rich Folks

  1. Cyn says:

    Oh, my god, you are on a roll. This is hysterical! You’ve almost convinced me that those Bush tax cuts for the rich are a good thing. Well, not really, but nice try. And, you’ve made me laugh, which is a great thing.

  2. Fionnchú says:

    How much do Bill Ayers & Bernie Dohrn pull in? Those tenurati must enjoy their servants (of or not of color) and mansions as much as the rich whom they denigrate. Hyde Park’s ghetto-adjacent, like New Haven or USC, so perhaps that affords the U of Chicago profs street-cred.

  3. Excellent!
    I saw the original- which has since been scrubbed- and I have no sympathy for the guy or his family. They live IN Chicago- get rid of one of the vehicles and take public transportation for crying out loud!
    Whiners drive me nuts!

    • tamerlane says:

      Nor does he exhibit any sympathy for you & yours, PMM. Henderson would break down sobbing if he had to spend one week living my life. These softies simply couldn’t survive in the wild.

  4. littleisis says:

    That sadly sounds a lot like Michelle talking about her daughter’s $10,000 piano lessons.

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